Verena and Jemo

Dad,

Wow. 1 year and 10 months dad. You’ve been gone for 1 year and 10 months. Where has the time gone? So fast, so un noticeable, but yet so painful. Things are waaaaaay too different now. Most things got of hand. Just let me start by saying how much I miss you and your presence with us. Being the best father that you were, just makes things feel, including me, more down right now. How I wish you’re here. How it would be so nice to have someone around that’ll understand me 10 times more than anybody does. Who’d know me better than the man who raised me himself, right? Someone who’d love me for the worst me and not just the best me. Someone who’d never let me feel unwanted.

Dad, remember how you got so worried before you left us on how things are gonna be when you won’t be here to guide any of us any more? Nobody would be here to say, “Don’t do that because this will happen if you do.” Or “It’s okay to be like that and do these things because sometimes it just has to be that way for others to learn.” Oh how I miss your wisdom dad. Well.. You were right with those worries of yours. Things you’ve concluded were happening exactly as you’ve said. I’m just praying that you’d somehow find a way to give me strength and guidance on how to get things going how they’re suppose to.

Mom isn’t the same anymore. For me, she’s getting weaker by the time. Remember when you told me these things would happen if I won’t be strong enough to stand up on it? Yeah well.. I just followed the number one rule you gave me, “respect your mother and her decisions because mothers knows best..” Dad, what if… what if she does the wrong decisions more often than the right one? I mean, it’s totally different when you were here because you often told her what was the right thing to do. But now… I just don’t know.

Christmas is coming dad, but I can’t feel it’s spirit. Why is it always that way with our family? You can never be too happy because there’s always something bad that’s gonna happen in exchange. Or maybe it’s just my way of viewing things. I don’t know dad, help me understand because that’s the way I really see it. Right now I feel soooo down. Nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to me, nobody to understand me, nobody to make me feel that everything will be alright. People say I’m so like you. Like you were reborn inside of me. Maybe that’s why nobody else understands me.

I’m having so much trouble and a bad time with family, life, and school right now. I feel like everything’s going down right under. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to say. It’s like I’m juggling everything that’s happening.

Family isn’t the issue here anymore to be honest. I don’t really feel that we’re one family anymore. I mean, we never eat together anymore. I always eat alone nowadays. We don’t see each other anymore like we used to. It’s just, “ hi, hello, and goodbye”. We don’t spend time with each other anymore. I mean, I’m the only one who bothers to ask, “how are you? How was your day?” Do they even ask me that in return? No, never! Everybody has their own world to attend to. Madz with her girlfriend and their baby. Mom with her own little obsession. Etc etc..

I’m sorry but it just won’t be a happy and merry Christmas for me. Wish me luck with everything. I love you the most! I miss you the most! Christmas still won’t be the same without you, for me that is.

Merry Christmas dad. I hope things get better for me. I really do. I love you so much.

Love,

Verena

IMPERFECTION

you may call them this
however
for some reason i adore them
so you are like night and day compared to the rest
but the rest are in the past
now you are the future
i love what i see in you, no change is needed nor wanted
you accept me for each and every flaw i have
in my eyes, your imperfections are actually perfection

I held you every morning
so tight in my arms
and i promised you always
to keep you safe from harm.

i watched as you slept
as i stroked your hair,
and i feel blessed to have you,
to have your loving care.

you know who i am,
right down to my soul,
you know what makes me sad,
and what makes me whole.

and so let me tell you,
right here and now,
that hne i love you,
and that is my vow.

Every time I think of you, I’m sad.
Every time I hear you’re name, I’m mad.
But every time I think of how you made me feel,
I’m glad

Loving you is what I’ve learned so easily.
Trying to forget you is the last thing I could possibly learn,
because I’m deeply in love with you.

HAPPY 3 1/2 YEARS ANNIVERSARY.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HNE!

Dear God, Dear Dad,

VERENA

So totally bored. Just got home from school and feeling absolutely so tired. Full week with lack of sleep. Tired from packing ang unpacking coz of house transfer. I’m so lucky we were able to make that deal. Missing my baby terribly. Haven’t spent that much time with him lately coz of school. But all’s alright. He understands. Can’t wait till I get back to Germany. Been feeling kinda down with all the troubles the family’s facing. I’m so happy with everything. With every single thing. Just got my new laptop, my new cellphone, my new car, what more can I ask for? I have a wonderful family, a wonderful husband who’s always there to support and help me. I love you all guys. Always keep in mind to appreciate everysingle moment you spend with each other. Every single minute of a person’s life is important coz you’ll never know what will happen to the next one. Just want to leave a simple message to everyone who reads this message. Masamang mainggit sa kapwa. Be very well contented with yourself and what you have. Every single thing is a blessing. Even the bad ones, always keep in mind that there is always something called BLESSING IN DISGUISE. Things don’t just happen for no reason. If you don’t get what you want, always think thrice and ask yourself, do you really deserve it for you to have it, if not, then just let it go. "KUNG INAANGKIN MO ANG HINDI SAYO, KAMATAYAN DIN NAMAN ANG BAGSAK MO. "SA LAHAT NG BAGAY MAY KARMA, KAYA KUNG ANO MAN ANG MANGYARI, WAG KANG MAGTATAKA!"

So totally bored. Just got home from school and feeling absolutely so tired. Full week with lack of sleep. Tired from packing ang unpacking coz of house transfer. I’m so lucky we were able to make that deal. Missing my baby terribly. Haven’t spent that much time with him lately coz of school. But all’s alright. He understands. Can’t wait till I get back to Germany. Been feeling kinda down with all the troubles the family’s facing. I’m so happy with everything. With every single thing. Just got my new laptop, my new cellphone, my new car, what more can I ask for? I have a wonderful family, a wonderful husband who’s always there to support and help me. I love you all guys. Always keep in mind to appreciate everysingle moment you spend with each other. Every single minute of a person’s life is important coz you’ll never know what will happen to the next one. Just want to leave a simple message to everyone who reads this message. Masamang mainggit sa kapwa. Be very well contented with yourself and what you have. Every single thing is a blessing. Even the bad ones, always keep in mind that there is always something called BLESSING IN DISGUISE. Things don’t just happen for no reason. If you don’t get what you want, always think thrice and ask yourself, do you really deserve it for you to have it, if not, then just let it go. "KUNG INAANGKIN MO ANG HINDI SAYO, KAMATAYAN DIN NAMAN ANG BAGSAK MO. "SA LAHAT NG BAGAY MAY KARMA, KAYA KUNG ANO MAN ANG MANGYARI, WAG KANG MAGTATAKA!"

Saturday afternoon.. Doing absolutely nothing except surfing the net.. Too tired to even get up from the bed and eat lunch.. Haven’t finished not even a single requirement assigned to me.. I feel like my brains gonna explode. Nothing really changes. Everyday you go through the same cycle that you went through yesterday, only somethings come in addition. I miss home.. I miss everything back there. Things are a lot different here. It’s really hard to cope up with people which are not in the same state (literally speaking) as you are. Even though you would open up and talk to them, they’d say it’s okay and they can relate and understand what you are trying to say but everytime I look in their eyes, I can see no understanding at all. Pure anger and pain are running through my veins right now. I can’t really remember when was the last time I was really happy. I never thought that it would come to this point. Sometimes it comes to a point when you think everything’s alright then here comes another thing. It’s always the same. It never really changes. You can never really get too happy with something or someone coz there is always this one thing that comes in return. It’s a permanent cycle. As some people would say, nothing is really free in this world anymore.. I guess dreams.. but sometimes you tend to buy dreams just to have them too. It’s really tiring but I’m coping up. I’m okay. I know I can do this. One day I’ll find true happiness. Not with SOMEONE, but something or somewhere I can be really happy with. You’ll never know. Maybe it’s just within me and I haven’t really discovered it yet. It’s okay.. Things come and go.. Same like people. Never be too close with someone who is not family. You’ll never really know it with them, but also, never push a friend too far away where your hand can’t reach him/her anymore, you’ll never get them back. Never ever let someone put you down. They don’t have the right to do it. Straighten up and be numb. But not too numb because happiness won’t be able to find its way in.

Saturday afternoon.. Doing absolutely nothing except surfing the net.. Too tired to even get up from the bed and eat lunch.. Haven’t finished not even a single requirement assigned to me.. I feel like my brains gonna explode. Nothing really changes. Everyday you go through the same cycle that you went through yesterday, only somethings come in addition. I miss home.. I miss everything back there. Things are a lot different here. It’s really hard to cope up with people which are not in the same state (literally speaking) as you are. Even though you would open up and talk to them, they’d say it’s okay and they can relate and understand what you are trying to say but everytime I look in their eyes, I can see no understanding at all. Pure anger and pain are running through my veins right now. I can’t really remember when was the last time I was really happy. I never thought that it would come to this point. Sometimes it comes to a point when you think everything’s alright then here comes another thing. It’s always the same. It never really changes. You can never really get too happy with something or someone coz there is always this one thing that comes in return. It’s a permanent cycle. As some people would say, nothing is really free in this world anymore.. I guess dreams.. but sometimes you tend to buy dreams just to have them too. It’s really tiring but I’m coping up. I’m okay. I know I can do this. One day I’ll find true happiness. Not with SOMEONE, but something or somewhere I can be really happy with. You’ll never know. Maybe it’s just within me and I haven’t really discovered it yet. It’s okay.. Things come and go.. Same like people. Never be too close with someone who is not family. You’ll never really know it with them, but also, never push a friend too far away where your hand can’t reach him/her anymore, you’ll never get them back. Never ever let someone put you down. They don’t have the right to do it. Straighten up and be numb. But not too numb because happiness won’t be able to find its way in.

Saturday afternoon.. Doing absolutely nothing except surfing the net.. Too tired to even get up from the bed and eat lunch.. Haven’t finished not even a single requirement assigned to me.. I feel like my brains gonna explode. Nothing really changes. Everyday you go through the same cycle that you went through yesterday, only somethings come in addition. I miss home.. I miss everything back there. Things are a lot different here. It’s really hard to cope up with people which are not in the same state (literally speaking) as you are. Even though you would open up and talk to them, they’d say it’s okay and they can relate and understand what you are trying to say but everytime I look in their eyes, I can see no understanding at all. Pure anger and pain are running through my veins right now. I can’t really remember when was the last time I was really happy. I never thought that it would come to this point. Sometimes it comes to a point when you think everything’s alright then here comes another thing. It’s always the same. It never really changes. You can never really get too happy with something or someone coz there is always this one thing that comes in return. It’s a permanent cycle. As some people would say, nothing is really free in this world anymore.. I guess dreams.. but sometimes you tend to buy dreams just to have them too. It’s really tiring but I’m coping up. I’m okay. I know I can do this. One day I’ll find true happiness. Not with SOMEONE, but something or somewhere I can be really happy with. You’ll never know. Maybe it’s just within me and I haven’t really discovered it yet. It’s okay.. Things come and go.. Same like people. Never be too close with someone who is not family. You’ll never really know it with them, but also, never push a friend too far away where your hand can’t reach him/her anymore, you’ll never get them back. Never ever let someone put you down. They don’t have the right to do it. Straighten up and be numb. But not too numb because happiness won’t be able to find its way in.

I just got home from school. Got our first class pusponed today. I’ve been really very tired lately. I haven’t been able to get some sleep. Sometimes I just lay on my bed for hours and stare at the ceiling wondering what ways I could do to help myself to get enough sleep. I’m really having a hard time coping up in school the next day coz that’s the only time I get really sleepy. I just hope my grades for the midterm are okay. It’s really not hard to be a nursing student especially if you just do what you have to do. It’s only tiring with all the pressures and lack of sleep and all the other stuff what the teachers requires you to do. I hope everyone goes through it fine. That’s all for now I guess.